Chapter 8: What Ben Said
Ben gave his testimony on a Wednesday afternoon in a small room with soft chairs and a woman named Paula who had a calm voice and a box of tissues on the table between them.
Daniel and I were permitted to sit in an adjacent room and watch through a one-way window.
Paula started gently.
She asked Ben about school, about his favorite subject, about Brenda.
His face changed when he talked about Brenda.
The wariness left it.
"She grabs my finger now," he said.
"When I put it near her hand.
She just grabs it."
"That sounds like she knows you're there," Paula said.
"She does.
I think she's known since the beginning." He paused.
"She needed someone to pay attention.
So I did."
Paula let that sit for a moment.
"Ben, I want to ask you about some of the nights you slept in Brenda's room.
Is that okay?"
He nodded.
"Can you tell me, in your own words, what you saw?"
Ben looked at his hands.
"The first time, I woke up because I heard Grandma come in.
I thought she was just checking on Brenda like Mom does.
But she didn't turn the light on.
She just went to the crib and put the blanket over Brenda's face and stood there."
"What did you do?"
"I didn't know what to do.
I thought maybe I was wrong about what I saw.
So I just watched.
And then she took it off and left."
"And the second time?"
"I was already awake.
I'd started sleeping in there because I had a bad feeling.
I don't know how to explain it.
I just felt like someone needed to be there." He looked up.
"The second time she did it longer.
And when she took the blanket off she looked right at me.
She knew I'd seen her."
"What did she say?"
"She came over to me.
She crouched down." Ben's voice was level but his hands had tightened in his lap.
"She said, 'You know what Brenda has, don't you?
You know she's not like other babies.' And I said yes.
And she said, 'Some babies like Brenda don't have good lives.
It's kinder not to let them suffer.' And I said Brenda wasn't suffering.
And she said, 'Not yet.'"
In the observation room, Daniel made a sound beside me.
I took his hand.
"Then she said if I told anyone," Ben continued, "they'd take Brenda away and put her somewhere, because our family couldn't handle her.
She said Mom and Dad would be relieved, even if they didn't know it yet." He paused.
"I didn't believe the part about Mom and Dad.
But I was scared about Brenda being taken away.
So I didn't tell.
I just stopped sleeping in my room."
"You stayed to protect her," Paula said.
"Someone had to." He said it simply, without drama.
"She couldn't protect herself."
"Ben, you were very brave to tell your mother what you saw.
Do you know that?"
He thought about it.
"I was scared she wouldn't believe me."
"But she did."
"Yeah." Something in his face softened.
"She did."
Paula asked a few more questions.
Ben answered all of them clearly.
When it was over, he came out into the hallway and found us waiting, and Daniel went down on one knee and held his son for a long time without saying anything.
Ben patted his father's back.
"It's okay, Dad," he said.
"I told the truth.
That's the part that matters."
Daniel pulled back and looked at him.
May you like
"It is," he said.
"That's exactly the part that matters."
