Chapter 9: He Came Back
Owen came back at half past seven that evening.
He knocked, which he had never done before.
I opened the door and stepped aside to let him in.
He looked like he hadn't slept.
His eyes went immediately to Noah, who was in the bouncer in the living room doorway.
"Can I—"
"Sit down first," I said.
He sat on the sofa.
I sat across from him in the armchair.
Pam had taken Noah upstairs to give us the room.
I put the second phone on the coffee table between us.
Owen looked at it.
His face didn't crumble.
It went very still, which was worse.
"Where did you find that?"
"Your gym bag."
He nodded slowly.
Like this was a reasonable answer to a reasonable question.
"Who is Rachel?"
He looked at the phone for a long moment.
Then at me.
"She works in the building next to my office.
We met in the car park about a year ago."
"And?"
"And it became something it shouldn't have."
"Is it physical?"
"Yes."
The word sat between us like an object neither of us wanted to touch.
"For how long?"
"Seven months."
Seven months.
I had been five months pregnant when it started.
"I want to understand something," I said.
"I want to understand it clearly, so tell me plainly.
You watched me carry your son.
You watched me get bigger and more exhausted and more vulnerable every week.
And during that time, you were with someone else."
"I know."
"That's not an answer."
"I don't have an answer that makes it better."
"I'm not asking for better.
I'm asking for honest.
For once."
He looked at his hands.
"I was scared.
I know that sounds pathetic.
I was scared of what fatherhood meant and I handled it the worst possible way."
"You handled it by finding someone who didn't know you were about to be a father."
He didn't deny it.
"Does Rachel know about Noah?"
"She knows I have a son."
"Does she know his name?"
A pause.
"Yes."
I stood up.
I walked to the window and stood there for a moment with my back to him.
"I want you to leave tonight.
I want you to take whatever you need for the next few weeks.
I want you to tell your mother that I'll be in touch when I'm ready.
And I want you to understand that I have spoken to a solicitor and I know what my rights are."
"Valerie." His voice broke on the second syllable of my name.
"Please.
I will end it.
I will do whatever you need.
I will go to counselling, I will be completely transparent, I will—"
"You'll do all of those things." I turned around.
"But not for me.
Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
Right now you'll do them because they're the right things to do.
And I need time to decide whether that's enough."
"How much time?"
"I don't know."
"What do I tell people?"
"I don't care what you tell people."
He stood up.
He looked at the phone on the coffee table.
"Can I say goodbye to Noah?"
I looked at him for a long moment.
"Yes."
I brought him upstairs.
Pam stepped out of the nursery without a word.
Owen stood over the bassinet for a long time.
He didn't pick Noah up.
He just looked at him.
When he turned around, his eyes were wet.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Not for what it does to me.
For what I did to you."
"I know," I said.
And I did know.
That was the worst part.
I could see that he meant it.
And it didn't change a single thing.
He left quietly.
The door closed the same way it had that morning.
Pam came and stood beside me in the hallway.
"What happens now?" she said.
"Now I find out who I am when I stop trying to hold everything together," I said.
She put her arm around me.
From the nursery, Noah made a small sound.
Not crying.
Just present.
May you like
Just there.
I went to him.
