Chapter 3: The Name I Didn't Want to See
I stared at the name on the phone screen.
Diane Marsh.
I said it out loud before I could stop myself.
"Diane."
Ryan didn't move.
He just watched me.
Diane Marsh had been my closest friend from seventh grade through the end of sophomore year.
She sat next to me in English.
She knew which lunch table I preferred.
She knew I ate in the library when things got bad — because I had told her.
"Ryan." My voice came out flat.
"How long?"
"From the beginning," he said.
"She approached me in eighth grade.
Told me things about you.
Personal things.
Things only someone close to you would know."
I set the phone down on the bed between us.
"What kind of things?"
He looked at the floor.
"That you had a crush on a boy in our class.
That you kept a journal.
That you cried after your parents fought." He paused.
"She told me to use them.
Said it would be funny."
My chest felt hollow.
"And you did."
"I did." He didn't look away.
"I was thirteen and I thought cruelty was the same thing as power.
I didn't understand what I was doing to you.
That's not an excuse.
I'm just trying to explain what I was."
I stood up.
I needed to not be sitting down for this.
"Why are you telling me this tonight?
On our wedding night?"
"Because I almost didn't tell you at all," he said.
"And that felt worse."
I walked to the window.
The street below was quiet.
Someone had left a light on in the house across the road.
"Does she know?" I asked.
"That you were going to tell me?"
Ryan was quiet for a moment too long.
I turned around.
"Ryan.
Does Diane know you were going to tell me?"
"She called me," he said carefully, "three days ago."
"What did she say?"
He reached for the phone again.
Opened a different thread.
Held it out.
I read the message.
*Don't do this.
You'll ruin everything.
She doesn't need to know.
It was seventeen years ago.
Let it go.*
I read it twice.
"She knew you were planning to tell me."
"Yes."
"And she tried to stop you."
"Yes."
I set the phone back down.
My hands were steadier than I expected.
"Is there anything else?" I asked.
"Anything else I don't know?"
Ryan looked at me for a long moment.
May you like
"There's one more thing," he said.
"But I need you to sit down first."
