Chapter 12: After

The settlement was signed on a Thursday morning in November.
Rebecca handed me the pen and I signed my name four times and then it was done.
Ten years of marriage, reduced to signatures on paper, which was reductive and also accurate.
Outside Rebecca's building, the air was cold and clean.
Boston in November.
The kind of day that didn't apologize for itself.
I called Natalie.
"It's done," I said.
"Come over."
"I have something to do first."
I walked three blocks to a department store and went directly to the women's section.
I found a saleswoman named Gloria who had the efficient warmth of someone who had helped a great many people find what they were looking for.
"I need something for dinner," I told her.
"Somewhere nice.
Just me."
She looked at me for a moment.
"What color?" she said.
"Not navy."
She smiled.
"Come with me."
I left with a deep green dress and a pair of earrings I had chosen entirely for myself, and I made a reservation at a restaurant I had always wanted to try, and that evening I sat at a table by the window and ordered exactly what I wanted and ate it slowly and watched the street outside and felt, for the first time in a very long time, that the space around me was mine.
Not empty.
Mine.
Gordon Pryce was convicted eight months later.
Wire fraud across thirteen clients.
He received a sentence that his attorney called excessive and that his clients called insufficient.
Diane Pryce sat in the courtroom for every day of the trial.
We had coffee twice during that time.
She was doing what people do when a long familiar life turns out to have been built on something false — she was figuring out who she was without it.
I understood that.
Daniel lost his position at the firm two weeks after the target letter.
He found work eventually, at a smaller company, in a quieter role.
I heard this from a mutual acquaintance and did not seek further information.
Sandra Whitmore returned the sixty-two thousand dollars in full, as Rebecca had requested.
She sent no accompanying note.
I sent no acknowledgment.
That felt like the right amount of communication for both of us.
Claire Halstead left the company the same month Daniel did.
I don't know where she went.
I thought about her sometimes, not with anger but with something more complicated — the recognition that she had also been lied to, and that she had chosen, in the end, to tell the truth.
That mattered.
It didn't erase what had happened, but it mattered.
Natalie and I had dinner every Thursday for the rest of that year.
Sometimes we talked about what had happened.
More often we talked about other things.
Films.
Books.
The café on the corner, which had definitely gotten worse.
In February, I moved into my own apartment.
Second floor, two bedrooms, a kitchen with good light.
I spent a weekend arranging it exactly as I wanted, which meant a great deal of books and very little furniture and one photograph of my grandmother on the shelf above the desk.
The navy dress hung in the closet of the new apartment.
I wore it in March, to a colleague's birthday dinner, surrounded by people who made me laugh.
I didn't think about Daniel when I put it on.
I thought about the silver beads and how they caught the light, and I thought that ten years ago I had been right — some things do deserve something beautiful.
I was forty-two years old.
I had two good suitcases, a job I was good at, a best friend who recorded conversations with difficult women without being asked, and an apartment with a kitchen full of morning light.
I made coffee for one.
I didn't think about it until the cup was already in my hand.
And I didn't mind at all.
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*Sometimes the people who hold everything together are the last ones anyone thinks to protect.
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