Chapter 4: Everything I Thought I Knew
The kitchen went very quiet.
I could hear a clock somewhere.
The hum of a refrigerator.
A car passing outside.
"Say that again," I said.
"Noah is my son." Tyler's voice didn't waver, which somehow made it worse.
Like he had practiced this.
Like he had been carrying it long enough that the words had worn smooth.
"I found out two years after Diane and I — after it ended.
She told me when he was almost one."
"You've known for five years."
"Yes."
I stood up.
I didn't decide to.
My body just moved.
"Five years," I said.
"We've been married for eight.
You've known for five.
You sat across from me at dinner for five years, Tyler.
You came home from shifts and kissed me and asked about my day for five years—"
"I know."
"Don't tell me you know.
Don't sit there and say you know like that makes it smaller."
Diane took a step back into the hallway.
I turned to look at her.
"Did you know he was married?" I asked.
She didn't flinch.
"Yes."
"When it started?"
A pause.
"Yes."
I turned back to Tyler.
"So both of you knew.
Both of you made choices.
And I was the only one in this house who didn't have any information."
"I wanted to tell you," he said.
"When?
When were you going to tell me, Tyler?
On our tenth anniversary?
When Noah graduated high school?
When?"
He didn't answer.
"Why today?" I asked.
"Why is today the day?
Is it because I showed up at the station?
Did Reyes call you?"
Tyler looked at the table.
"Marcus texted me."
Marcus.
The one who walked away fast.
The one who couldn't look at me.
"So your coworkers knew," I said.
"Captain Reyes knew."
"Not everything.
They knew I had — a situation.
They didn't know details."
"But they knew enough to not smile when I walked in with a birthday cake." My voice broke on the last two words and I hated it.
I pressed my hand flat against the counter.
"How many people have been protecting this secret for you?"
"Amanda—"
"How many?"
He was quiet for a moment.
"My brother knew.
And Marcus."
His brother.
Danny.
Who had been at our house for Christmas.
Who had hugged me and called me his sister-in-law and eaten the food I cooked.
I picked up my bag from the floor where I'd set it.
"I need to leave," I said.
"Please don't go yet.
We need to talk about—"
"I can't talk to you right now." I looked at him across the kitchen.
Nine years of marriage.
The firefighter schedule.
The birthdays squeezed between shifts.
All of it rearranging itself into something I didn't recognize.
"I can't be in this room right now."
I walked to the front door.
I opened it.
Then I stopped.
Behind me, from somewhere down the hallway, I heard a small voice.
"Mom?
Who was that lady?"
May you like
I didn't turn around.
I walked to my car, got in, and drove two blocks before I had to pull over because I couldn't see the road.
