Chapter 8: What Therapy Actually Looked Like
The therapist's name was Dr.
Osei.
Her office had two chairs and a small couch and a window that looked out onto a parking garage, which somehow made it easier to say hard things.
Daniel had agreed to go without argument.
That had surprised me.
He'd shown up early, which surprised me more.
The first session I mostly talked.
Daniel listened.
Dr.
Osei asked questions that seemed simple and weren't.
"When did you first feel like something was wrong?" she asked me.
"When I heard her say *she can never know* and realized she wasn't talking about daycare."
"And before that?"
I thought about it.
"I don't know.
I think I'd gotten good at not looking too closely."
"Why?"
I looked at Daniel.
"Because I wanted the life we were building to be real."
Dr.
Osei turned to him.
"What do you want to say to that?"
He was quiet for a moment.
"That it was real.
That I made something real into something complicated and I don't have a clean explanation for why."
"Try an unclean one," she said.
He looked at the window.
"I was scared.
We were trying for a baby and it felt like so much pressure and instead of talking to her about it I — went somewhere else.
Emotionally.
And then physically." He stopped.
"That's not an excuse."
"No," Dr.
Osei said.
"But it's a start."
The second session was harder.
"You grabbed her wrist," Dr.
Osei said to Daniel.
Not as an accusation.
Just as a fact placed in the room.
"Yes."
"What were you trying to do?"
"Stop her from seeing something."
"And when you did that — what did you think it would cost you?"
He looked at me.
"I wasn't thinking about cost.
I was panicking."
"She was holding your daughter twelve hours earlier," Dr.
Osei said.
"And then you grabbed her wrist in your laundry room."
Daniel closed his eyes.
"I know," he said.
"I know what that was."
"Tell her," Dr.
Osei said.
"Not me."
He turned to face me fully.
"I was protecting myself.
Not you.
I knew it the second I did it and I hated myself for it and I didn't know how to undo it so I just — kept going.
Kept lying.
Kept hoping you'd believe me."
I didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Not for getting caught.
For doing it.
For all of it.
For what I said about you to her.
For the December messages.
For making you live in a house where you were the only one telling the truth."
The room was very quiet.
"That's the first thing you've said," I told him, "that didn't sound like damage control."
He nodded.
He didn't try to add anything to it.
Dr.
Osei looked at me.
"What do you need from him — not to forgive, not yet — but to be able to stay in the same room and keep working?"
I thought about it for a long time.
"Full access," I said finally.
"Phone.
Email.
Location.
Not forever.
But for now.
If there's something to hide, I need to know that before I make any decisions.
And if there isn't — then it shouldn't be a problem."
Daniel didn't hesitate.
"Okay."
"And no contact with her.
Ever.
Not to explain, not to apologize, not to close the loop.
Done."
"Done."
"And I need you to tell your mother that this is between us.
That she doesn't get updates.
That if she wants a relationship with our daughter, she earns that separately, over time, by being trustworthy.
Not by being your mother."
He nodded.
"I'll call her tonight."
I looked at Dr.
Osei.
"I don't know if this works.
I want to be honest about that."
May you like
"That's the most honest thing anyone's said in this room in a while," she said.
"Hold onto it."
